021. Leaking Energy
Something about the time between times, 5 more minutes, and, how only doing is doing. Yes, today was one of those days, again.
Since the start of my sojourn, I have been feeling this heavy drunken kind of tiredness. Feeling like my body has tripled in weight any time I try and lift myself out of bed.
The part of me that has been watching productivity content is telling me, 'you're finally awake, push through all of it now'. The part of me that is trying to rebuild my sleep schedule understands that sleep is the foundation upon which everything else is built. Then the part of me that has spent days feeling weighed down by tiredness says, 'enough, something's gotta give'.
I'll be fair, I had a very strong start to my day. A few hours in, my eyes felt as though they were filled with sand and nothing was making sense anymore. So, I allowed myself to rest, and of course, that's when my body decided rest was for the weak. Nonetheless, I fought for my rest and wound up spending over 4 hours in this battle.
When I woke, I thought that would be it - the time when all the pilling tasks would finally be fulfilled. No, I ended up in conversation that went for hours with my eye on the time, wanting to make an exit but, finding more ways to prolong the conversation. Then, it was dinner time, and somehow, all the hours of the day had slipped through my fingers.
Now, I find myself fighting the surfacing negative thoughts - not being good enough, or cut out for this life I have decided I want to live.
When I look around me, all I see are people getting on with what needs to be done. At times it can be inspirational, even motivational. However, when you're watching the lives of others as you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing, it can turn inward be become judgement. It can start to appear like evidence that you are not good enough or, cut out for whatever you aspire for in your life.
A big part of me feels like giving up and letting go. For that reason, I write this now. Not to say goodbye or to end this series. I write because I want to remind myself that this too shall pass.
If only growth were linear. Then, I could hold on to the lessons from yesterday and know that I will not have another day like this. I would go through these feelings and find comfort in knowing days like these are far behind me. Alas, I find myself practicing expressing this feeling yet again. So, that is the only place in which I am left to find comfort - in knowing that this is just a feeling. One that has come again and will surely, be on its way again.
The tasks pile, the world goes on; but, without me, the work does not move. Thus, I must do what I can when I can.
I feel as though I have been leaking energy. Sleeping, but, not resting. Trying and failing to rest with a million tabs open. Falling asleep and waking up with the exhaustion of the unfinished tasks from yesterday, feeling four weeks behind before the day even starts.
I guess today's entry has felt a little bit like a journal entry because, I am not sure that I have done all that I could but, I do know that I have tried my best.
It is a heavy feeling to try and rest knowing there is more you could have done. So, I will do as much as my heavy and tired eye will allow because I know, there will be no rest that can come for a mind obsessing over all the things that should have been done.
I definitely did not expect to start off week 5 like this. I guess that's all part of this journey into discovery. Perhaps these are the awkward stages of growth. Alas, I will only be able to tell you when it is all said and done.
Day 21!!! I am grateful to have made it this far. And dear reader, thank you for tuning in, yet again. I look forward to continuing along this journey, and I hope you come along with me.
