020. Crushing Candies

It feels almost surreal to have made it to this point.

22% into to this challenge and, it definitely has been just that - a challenge.

I suppose at some point in school, writing daily was a requirement. Though I do not remember any undertaking similar to this one, I am sure some of those English and Literature classes have a part to play in all of this.

Through this experience, the number one thing I have learnt thus far is that; only doing, is doing.

If I took any longer to act on this idea, then it is likely I would still be on the drawing board trying to figure out which direction I wanted to take this 90-day challenge. Fortunately, I was able to reduce the time between having the idea and execution. Now I find myself practicing not only consistency but, the art of committing.

Though I have developed a slight obsession with LinkedIn, my number one challenge remains posting about my work on social media.

When I decided to delete Instagram and TikTok from my phone, I had noticed I was now losing too many of my precious hours to aimless scrolling.

To be honest, my crutch was never really either of those apps. For me, Candy Crush had my heart. Any moment I had of free air, I would somehow find myself crushing candies. Honestly, and incredible game. I'm not even sure how I stopped playing it. I just know that one day I thought of it, went to play but, it had offloaded from my phone. Impressed that I had gone so long without playing it that it managed to delete itself from my phone, I made the conscious decision not to redownload it. Now, I think back to my glory days and wonder if the people I competed with surpassed me on level five-thousand-and-whatever.

After some time, like most of us I assume, I was just a passive consumer on Instagram. Perhaps, I would share a story here and there but, I only opened it for the pretty pictures and glimpses into the fabulous lives of others.

When I was working my corporate job, this was not a problem. I used the platform minimally, I suppose what could be considered a healthy amount, if there is a healthy was to consume on these platforms. The change occurred when I moved back home.

Without a computer screen occupying the 9-5 of my life, the time spent crushing candies and glimpsing into the lives of strangers only grew. I would ‘5 more minutes’ until eyes tired and my head was aching. Saving videos and ‘to-dos’ for when I would have a life of my own in which I could execute these ideas. As you can imagine, nothing came of it. Only more scrolling and a growing loathing for how I was choosing to spend my days, and nights.

Then one day, I came across this video of this guy talking about ‘doing the thing’. The sentiment behind the video was, only doing the thing, is doing the thing. He said something along the lines of, talking about the thing, is not doing the thing; writing about doing the thing is not doing the thing, only doing the thing is doing the thing. Making plans about doing the thing, is not doing the thing…it went on for a few more examples of how only doing the thing, is doing the thing because, if you do not actually do it, then it will never be done.

Of course, I saved and maybe even viewed his profile but, in the end, scrolled past.

It wasn't until weeks later I stumbled upon one of those videos where the lady tells you to go to bed, but you obviously skip it and go to sleep when you want to because you are capable of making your own decisions, that I decided to delete the app. I was trying to sleep, and I started to mentally plan my exist from the platform when I rolled over, grabbed my phone and just went straight for it.

It wasn't easy. I'm sure my sisters will gladly testify that I became a little bit of a junkie nuisance, constantly trying to sneak peeps of the internet through their phones. I still had TikTok on my phone but, I never really used it, so I didn't care to delete. Until somehow months later I noticed it has starting to form an algorithm catered to me so, since I couldn't have my love Instagram, I just deleted it. That one didn't hurt as much.

I am proud to say, I have been sober for over a year now.

And yes, when you are not stuck in a space of constant comparison, when you move away from it, it does have a way of feeling like sobriety.

Of course, this whole spiel was not my way of saying I am better than you for not being on the apps. I say all this to express the complex relationship these platforms create within us.

When I first started using LinkedIn, I did not want to connect with any one from my past. I didn't want to see how my old classmates where all doing better than me professionally, especially at a time when I had 'nothing' going me. I felt so much shame for simply being at the stage I was at in my life. People getting jobs in fancy companies all while I was struggling to pay bills and find the motivation to get myself out of bed.

Honestly, I don't understand what kind of social torture that platform was designed to inflict. A place where 'it's probably fake' cannot ease your concerns. I suppose 'it's probably nepotism' could ease some wounds but, what isn’t. Companies often prefer to hire through referrals so, surely the whole employment system is rigged for nepotism. So, in the end, one must have some sense of security to hold onto least they wish to lose their sanity.

So, participating in social media has not been something I have been keen on for years now and it's a tough one. I would much rather hire a social media manager and leave it to the professionals but, I guess we all must start somewhere.

Perhaps I need a 90-day challenge for that too, because only doing the thing, is doing the thing.

20 days in and, today has definitely been easier. I guess practice does make easier.

I am genuinely so proud of how far I come.

If I was able to let go of Candy Crush, then I am certain I will learn how to participate on LinkedIn.

Dear reader, thank you so much for spending these last four weeks with me. Thank you for giving me that extra boost of motivation to keep going. Thank you so much! I hope your weekend is just enough, because enough can be everything.

I hope you are back here on Monday for the start of week 5.